This piece is a response to Nadine Elali’s “Only Christians can save Lebanon” published on NOW Lebanon. If you want to read the original, please click here. Just kidding, click here. The following piece is basically Nadine’s piece, with some modifications and annotations.

The majority of Lebanese people are sectarian. In fact, they are so sectarian that they sometimes cannot see the irony in writing an article called “Only Christians can save Lebanon” while complaining about Sectarianism.

The majority of Lebanese people identify with their sect first and foremost. Second comes Teta wJeddo.

The majority of Lebanese people fear one another, and cannot coexist with each other. This is evident by the fact that when a Christian meets a Muslim, the universe implodes.

The majority of Lebanese peoples’ opinions diverge, and they do not respect the opinion of others. Except Christians, they respect everyone’s opinions, especially the pope’s opinion. Oh, and that-dude-that-looks-like-Saruman.

The majority of Lebanese people secretly wish that the other party would suffer and die. But not Christians. Christians only wish that the other parties be silenced with Jesus’ love and the Kataebs’ guns.

The majority of Lebanese people are Muslim. ASTAGHFIRULLAH ALLAHU AKBAR WILILILILI

Yes, I believe I can safely say this, because they are. Yes, I can safely say that a number above 50% counts as a majority. For more information, see Maths.

Look around you! Sunnis, Shiites, and Druze have no word of their own. They eat hummus, drink Jellab and smoke Narguileh. Christians have lots of words of their own, mostly French words parce que we weghe the Paghi of the Middle East.

Go back in history; they never had a word of their own, it was always some Muslim country sponsoring some Muslim group or faction against the other. Christians were never sponsored by the French. Nuh uh. Shut up.

Today, names may have changed, but the reality is the same.

And given the circumstances, I believe it is highly unlikely that they will change.

So, I’m saying it simply, Lebanon is not a sovereign state and the Lebanese are not free people. They never were and never will be. Unless…

Unless…

Unless…

Unless…

The only parties who do not have external sponsors today are the seculars. Because they don’t believe Christians have to go to Cyprus to marry Muslims, and because they don’t believe that having a cross or crescent on their forehead is the only valid source of communal identity.

They are the only parties who own their word and it is up to them to save us all.

It is no longer a debate that the country’s confessional political system is the major source of malice and conflict. The only salvation is a secular and civil state whereby all Lebanese from all sects can prioritize fashion.

Only the Seculars can do it.

Only the Seculars can demand this secular state.

Only the Seculars can save Lebanon.

Allah, Geagea wel Dahyeh kella. Amen.

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Disclaimer: Don’t take the above too seriously. Also recommended is Nasri Atallah’s “Only Hipsters can save Lebanon“.

You can also find me on Twitter @JoeyAyoub