Dear Donald Trump,
For the last six months, I have followed in complete and utter awe your proposal to ban Muslims from entry into the United States of America. Your plan is, for lack of a more beautiful word, beautiful. There, however, remain a few questions to be answered when it comes to the implementation of said plan. Minor questions, mind you, but the devil is in the details as they say, worse yet for when the devil has made the proposal in the first place. Thus, I have herewith laid out some of these questions that are keeping me up at night, along with many of your thoughtful followers, I’m sure.
1. To start off, Your Toughness, one has to wonder what breed of Muslims we will be gleefully banning. Is it the Salafists, most likely to sympathize with ISIS? Or should we include all Sunnis? Shia? Perhaps all Muslim sects and denominations ought to be on the list, just to be on the safe side.
2. Next, will the Ban include non-practicing Muslims?
3. If not, how non-practicing is non-practicing? Say, someone who prays but not every day? Or someone who fasts but not all of Ramadan? Social drinking? A specific set of Criteria of Piety would be of essence.
4. Or are all Muslims included, practicing and non-practicing alike? What of the self-proclaimed atheists who were born Muslim? Tough life for those suckers.
5. Are half-Muslims, i.e. those with only one Muslim parent (like one particular American official who shall remain nameless, *wink* *wink*) to be included in this most blessed of Bans?
6. For this latter case, will it make a difference if that one parent is the father or the mother? What if the mother is non-Muslim but not a grade 10 woman? For example, she is flat-chested and does not have a beautiful face like that of Vivian Leigh.
7. If the answer to Question no. 5 is yes, it follows to inquire about quarter-Muslims. And so on and so forth; it would help to know how many generations it would take to wash out Muslimness. Coming up with a system for this could be a headache, but I hear the Germans took a jab at it in the thirties, we can always dig up their work.
8. What about a born-again Christian who used to be Muslim?
9. Conversely, what of newly converted Muslims? Should we give them a “30-Day Free Admission” offer? Maybe we can have them come in and fixed while still fresh.
10. I know you answered this in one of your word salads, but, in case the unthinkable happened and you changed your mind, should the tremendously tremendous Ban extend to current American citizens if they were to leave the country? Say, for a one-day trip to check out Niagara Falls from the Canadian side?
11. If not, should not there be a time limit for how long them Muslim-Americans can leave the country before they are subject to the Ban?
12. Will it make a difference if they decide to live for some time in a Muslim vs. non-Muslim country? What about bi countries?
13. What if we also banned those non-Muslims who look Muslim or have Muslim-sounding names? One less source of anxiety for the Poorly-Educated, whom we all love.
14. Age Limits, Your Smartness, will need to be clarified. As in, will Muslim adolescents be banned as well? Children? Toddlers, infants? How about Muslim fetuses?
15. What if a non-Muslim pregnant woman is applying for a visa in a Muslim country? How can we be sure the father is not a Muslim?
16. What if a non-Muslim pregnant woman is applying for a visa in a non-Muslim country but she is known to live in or close to a Muslim ghetto?
17. And, what if a non-Muslim pregnant woman is applying for a visa in a non-Muslim country and she is not known to live in or close to a Muslim ghetto, but was artificially and anonymously inseminated using the services of a sperm bank where Muslims have been known to be among the donors? We should not be fooled!
18. Back to age limits, how old does a Muslim have to get to be allowed into the Land of the Free? How about old Muslims with dementia who have forgotten they are Muslim?
19. And how about old non-Muslims with dementia who think they are Muslim?
20. Procedurally, Your Hairness, how will you discern the above information about visa applicants suspected to be Muslims? Will you just have them fill out a questionnaire?
21. I joke–how can one believe Muslims! (and everyone should be assumed one until proven otherwise, at least if they are brown). Even if a Muslim said they were a Muslim, you should assume they are lying, and are non-Muslim. Which means they are not lying, which means they are Musl… Oh shit
22. How about we just make all visa applicants go through a polygraph test?
23. Brilliant as that idea may be, it will give them a few months between getting the visa and arriving in the airport during which they can convert to Islam. Should all passengers arriving in all ports-of-entry, hence, redo the polygraph test?
24. What if they then convert as they are waiting for their Uber?
I eagerly await your coherent and well-thought-out response.